Sunday, October 4, 2015

Let's Make America Great Again

We have to close the borders, so we can be safe.
And we have to hunt down the illegals.
We need to ship them back to where they came from.
We can't take chances.
Send their kids back too.
I know their kids are citizens, but not really.
We'll never be able to trust them. Not really.
We don't know their loyalties.
We don't know anyone's loyalties.
And we need to watch people with those different religions, those weird religions.
We shouldn't vote for them.
We shouldn't let them just go where they want.
You'd like them to just go where they want?
You're not scared? Honestly?

We need to let police protect us.
I don't like people who criticize the cops.
I don't trust people who criticize the military.
They're going after the bad guys,
even if they have to break rules sometimes.
Even if they have to snoop a little,
because if you have nothing to hide, you shouldn't worry about what they're doing.
If you've done nothing wrong, you're not going to get hurt.
(I just don't want to get hurt.)

So we need walls and locks and guns.
We need monitors,
tracking systems everywhere,
for people who aren't like us.
And overseas, aircraft, secret teams, missile strikes.
Sure, people might die, but
(Just don't tell us.)
we can't be nice.
(Don't tell us about it.)
We can't afford to be nice anymore.
And anyway, I don't know them.
(Don't tell us anything.)
And anyway, I don't want to get hurt.

How do you protect a country?
You make sure
everyone is watching everyone else.

That's how you make America great again.
That's how you defend
our freedom.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

A Note To All The Future Mass Killers

You're kind of blending in with each other.

It's a terrible statement about how screwed up our national culture is, of course. And it's a terrible statement about the lack of good gun control laws in our country. But it's also a statement about the nature of the fame you're going to achieve if you do this.

I can't really remember too many of the details about who you are. And I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I can call up the first and last names of the guys who perpetrated the Columbine massacre. I can call up the name of the person who killed the reporter and her cameraman - but that's because he's recent. I can picture the face of the guy who shot Gabby Giffords and also the face of the man who shot up that movie theater.

The others are a jumble of locations and trivia in my head. The shooter at Virginia Tech was obsessed with that movie. The kid who shot those sorority women made that pathetic video of himself. The guy who killed those children at the elementary school was mentally or emotionally impaired in some way. I don't remember exactly how - some people used the term "autism," but I don't think it was true.

I could look up all these people and all these facts, sure. But why? There are so many more of them coming. Too many more to count. You're going to be part of the great ugly blur. You'll be dead or locked away, and you won't be remembered. The TV people and the web people will put you through their little machine, turn the crank handle a few times, and then we're all going to move on to whatever stupid thing Congress is doing.

Killing people is wrong and killing people is mean and killing people is stupid. But killing people is also boring. We have an entire culture wrapped around the idea of ending the lives of others. It permeates our history, it's one of our largest industries, and it's in all the movies. You will be doing nothing noteworthy or original. You'll be a minor character in the latest season of a show that should have ended a long time ago. You'll be participating in the system you probably hate. It will be your way of giving up, and so you'll be forgotten.

Right now in America, acts of kindness and basic decency are the most radical things you could do. People who realize this are going to be remembered. Everyone else will get their spot on CNN and be gone by the end of the commercial break.

Friday, October 2, 2015

We Have Video Of The Meeting Between Kim Davis And Pope Francis!

Ms. Davis told the pontiff that she was a big supporter of his work.

 Later, they discussed her controversial situation...

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Will The Russians Thwart The Unimaginable Clusterfuck We're Trying To Achieve In Syria?

The news that the Russian military is carrying out airstrikes in Syria disturbs me, and it should disturb any loyal citizen. These actions threaten to block the unimaginable clusterfuck we're trying to create there.

Now, no one is arguing that Syria isn't already a gruesome human rights disaster. Hundreds of thousands of people are suffering and dying. The flood of refugees is causing chaos all over the region. But our policy is to turn this grim situation into a uniquely American clusterfuck - and the Russians might prevent that.

Putin and his administration claim that they're only targeting terrorist groups, but we know better. They've clearly launched attacks at the shadowy operatives our CIA is arming and training. US policymakers need these groups to make our intelligence analysts look like idiots when they inevitably betray us and help destabilize the country for decades to come so that thousands of militants have a place to set up shop and begin planning to take down the next national landmark. Are we seriously going to let the Russians stop all this?

Of course there's still plenty we can do: We can help resettle refugees and use diplomatic pressure to curb atrocities. We can give increased aid to relief organizations and even join the International Criminal Court, so that it will have more power to threaten war criminals with prosecution. But none of that helps us get to our goal of toppling a brutal regime and aiding an assortment of combatants in the melee that follows to escalate the situation into a magnificently hideous clusterfuck that people will blame on the US forever.

We need to stand up to Putin and communicate loudly and clearly that inciting violence and smashing political institutions throughout the Middle East is our duty and our right. If anyone is going to send a bunch of their own kids to get shot to pieces over a conflict none of the policymakers understand, that's going to be us.

Don't let him take our clusterfuck away. The day he does that, he's welcome to all the other clusterfucks in the area - maybe even the world. And then where will we be?

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Provisional - A poem

...when I opened my eyes
and gave my first gasp,
written in as the victim of a predictable murder mystery, while
the butler tied nooses and shuffled books away to their shelves
200 Accidental Deaths; Poisons Around the World -
and wiped the knives down,
while wishing me good night,
the woman across the hall
was tearing pages from my diary
burning them (with a smile)
in a silver dish.
“It’s all the same,”
he said (over the typing from down the stairs) -
the greasy writer who added,
“Every one of those stories begins with a death and ends with explanations you can’t believe,
but every true story works in reverse,”
and I saw I had to go
the clock was ticking, all ominous cliché;
turning the corner
and hitching a final, half-breath,

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Five Nuclear Emergencies And How President Trump Would Have Handled Them

On June 3, 1980, President Carter’s national security adviser Zbigniew Brzezinski learned that Soviet submarines had launched 220 missiles at the United States. Subsequent reports told him that the launch notice had been in error - 2,200 missiles were actually on their way. Nuclear bombers and missile crews began scrambling, and Brzezinski started attempting to call the president to recommend a counterstrike. Just then, new data came. The incident was a false alarm. "The culprit? A defective computer chip that was replaced for under a dollar." - Nuclear Threat Initiative
Trump Response: Call Soviet premier on the red phone and insult his parentage. Launch a limited nuclear strike to "show we're not weak." Threaten to sue.

On October 27, 1962, deep into the Cuban Missile Crisis, an American spy plane accidentally crossed into Soviet airspace. Worried the intruder could be a nuclear bomber, Soviets sent fighter jets to destroy it. The USAF responded with its own fighters, and the situation threatened to touch off World War II. The pilot of the spy plane, which had no fuel, somehow managed to glide out of Soviet airspace in time. President John F. Kennedy and Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev resolved the Cuban Missile Crisis the following day. - History Channel Website
Trump Response: Sink several Soviet ships and one Canadian vessel. Hold press conference promising to "keep the heat on those assholes." Threaten to sue.

"U.S. and NATO officers practiced the procedures they would have to follow to authorize and conduct nuclear strikes in an unpublicized exercise called Able Archer 83, shifting their headquarters as the game escalated toward chemical and nuclear warfare... In a coincidence that could have proved catastrophic, the script for the maneuvers dovetailed snugly and perilously with the Soviets' fears that they were under threat, coupled with nagging doubts about their ability to protect themselves from U.S. military might." - The Atlantic
Trump Response: Loudly brag to American reporters that "we're going to totally destroy those Russian jerks - just you wait." Threaten to limit credit for "anyone whose name ends in 'V'" at American casinos and racetracks. Launch nuclear strike on Beijing to "keep them guessing."

During the Kennedy administration, a nuclear bomber on an exercise flight broke apart in mid-air and released its payload over a small rural area in North Carolina:
"The locking pins came out of one of the nuclear weapons, and the bomb fell from the plane. Despite precautions, the bomb behaved as if it had been released above a target... Incredibly, the bomb did not explode. Every safety mechanism designed to prevent detonation failed except one. A single safety switch prevented a nuclear catastrophe. Had it exploded, the bomb – which had the power of 250 Hiroshimas  – would have caused lethal radioactive fallout over Baltimore, Philadelphia, and New York City – and forced an evacuation of Washington, D.C." - Nuclear Threat Initiative (A photo of one of the bombs in a field is above. Link here.)
Trump Response: Preemptive nuclear strikes on Baltimore, Philadelphia, and New York City. Threaten state of North Carolina with "the biggest class action case you ever saw."

During the Suez Crisis in 1956, the US military command received intelligence of multiple indications of a Soviet strike, including a swarm of unknown aircraft over Turkey along with a mass of aircraft over Syria which had been positively identified as Soviet MiG-15s. Another report came in that a British bomber had been downed over Syria at the same time, and that the Russian fleet was moving through the Dardanelles. The strait links the Mediterranean to the Black Sea, and was thought to be key to an attack on the region. The Americans eventually learned that the Syrian MiGs were a small escort force, the Russian fleet was conducting training exercises, the British bomber had experienced a mechanical failure, and the unknown planes were a flock of geese. - "Instabilities in the Control of Nuclear Forces" by Paul Bracken
Trump Response: Full-scale nuclear war with Turkey and USSR. British mechanical companies sued. Press statement issued about "how lousy the Dardanelles are... Seriously, I wouldn't take a cruise there if you paid me." Geese outlawed.

Monday, September 28, 2015

President Trump's First Press Conference

I only have a couple minutes for you jagoffs, because I'm meeting Putin at Hooters later. First question... The guy over there with the stupid tie. Yeah, you.

Okay... we all know the unemployment numbers could be better. But that's not my fault, because -- HEY, LOOK! DID YOU SEE SOME MEXICANS OVER THERE?! You didn't? Look harder. They went right around that corner. I swear.

Next... you, with the haircut. The ISIS attacks? You can't put that on me. My foreign policy is -- THERE THEY GO! THE MEXICANS! Guys, there are goddamn illegal Mexican workers running through the halls. Didn't you see them? They were just there, folks. They literally just went through those doors, and they were probably going to rape someone and steal some jobs. Why aren't you chasing after them?

Back to it then. Yes, I heard what the Senator said about my financial records. I promise a full disclosures when OH MY GOD THE MEXICANS ARE EVERYWHERE! Why the hell can't you people see them? I swear guys, that was the largest group of criminal foreigners I've ever seen! Aren't you going to go ask them some questions? They're out there destroying our way of life!

Sorry, time to wrap this up. One more question, and I'm outta here. Anyone but Fox, MSNBC, CNN, or Univision - those guys have been really mean to me lately.

(Photo by Michael Vadon. Rights information here.)
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